forgive

i tie my war stories across my back and head out again
crippling mistrust leaking from smiles that were supposed to feel familiar
and i wonder how long it's going to be
before i can sing with a
clear conscience.

you haven't had time to see the part of me i don't know how to remove.

brother
say you love me.
you may be the only one.

and i don't know how to fix myself up enough to not stumble
corpselike
into places i don't want to go.
once, when i was younger
i dressed myself and went where i wanted.
but now i stretch out my hands...

you threw me into a spiral that i couldn't pull out of.

but that's a little too much for the old chair in the corner of a coffee shop.
and i'm nervous on the third drink
but i learned a long time ago that fear
is the only thing quick enough to pull me from beneath the tires
leap from the roof
roll out of the way as you come crashing down from the sky.
i stay nervous, across mile markers that no longer mark miles
but places i thought i'd never come back to.

she's beautiful.
she has that easy voice and kaleidoscope perspective
and there's angelic light everywhere in this old town that seems older than the state.

thank you.

brother, 
there's a song waiting for me.
i'll find it alone.

i burned all the maps in the house.
like always.
like always.
but they make me laugh, and i feel young again for a moment like the world is warm
and our ribs are glass.

for her sake
i forgive kansas.

about time i stole something back from the world
that only took from me.

x