February 16, 2018

/ original song /


okay calm down.

firstly, please turn that sucker up to nice, high definition. makes it much better.
secondly, i've found that listening with headphones definitely gives you the peaceful vibes i was going for.
thirdly (??), now that i've SOMEWHAT got the hang of this, i'm going to try and shoot some more out. so just keep your eye on that channel, if you would. also trying to get some new design stuff that isn't grainy. why is my whole world grainy. 

if anybody wants to make me a channel art thing, be my guest.

OH, and i suppose now is a good point not to talk about the fact that my real name, is in fact, not adelaide. woops.

alright. love you guys. 
thanks for being patient.

or technically
but whatever it's

January 28, 2018

in everything

i hear you in everything.

we act like death is something that happens in us, to us, around us, but we are unwilling to admit that
death is always beside us.
like an old friend standing at your elbow, kind and quiet,
present with you when you walk in the door.

i think of him because i'm afraid he is dying.
i'm afraid that he doesn't see it, the kindness and the quiet standing by his bedside
and i'm afraid that when he finally does see it,
i'll have been too late.

but how can you ever be late to something like that?

he will arrive to meet death right on time.
they will shake hands, and he'll give it that cheeky grin that he used to give me when i caught him spraying an entire can of whipped cream in his mouth.
but if i have my way
it'll be me that he's thinking of.
the way i spoke about the cross, and about love, and the way i would've shaken the hand myself
just to give him more time to think about it. 
if i have my way
death will ask him about the little girl with the braids, the one he carries around with him wherever he goes.

may my breath be the blood in the bullet hole.
the fire in the explosion.
the trigger finger that shakes.

may i only be that which paints a bloody picture of Christ for you,
whether it is on the walls of your prison cell
or the lining of your heart.

you will meet death.
and when you meet him, think of me.
think of how much i loved you.
maybe it will be with regret, or blessed thankfulness, but either way
let it be because of how many times i refused to let go of you.
let it be because of His love. 

i sit against the couch and listen to him talking about the flash,
the wave of pressure that broke the window and all the glass in his face.
and i think about you.
i think about that day when the rock slipped off the edge of the rock face, and everybody yelled at you to get out of the way
get out
get out
i stood up.
and when you looked up at me, breathing hard with the chill that came sailing out of death's laugh,
you smiled. i was the only one standing up.
if i am the only one standing up now, see me.
i'm begging you.
from across the miles, from across the stars, i am standing up and i am screaming your name.

i hear you in everything.


hoping to get a video up for next week's post! we'll see. mwaha. much loves.

also, if you're an og, this is the second part to an untitled post i wrote decades ago. june 11th, 2015, if you were curious. time has changed a lot. but not everything.

January 21, 2018

as much of forever

i had the windows rolled down 
and you turned on the radio.
it was that kind of day where the thunderstorms
grow on the edges of the sunshine
like ripples in a pool big enough
to fill the sky. 

you had a thunderstorm in you.
the kind that blows the houses down
but really saves the flowers.

we flew up the dirt road, but i was laughing so hard
that i could barely see through the dust
because you were grinning and hollering at every stranger that would look at you.
and she grabbed the back of your seat
smiling like a firecracker
just trying to get as close to the center of the storm as she could.
she loves you.
we both love you.
we'd take the bullet meant for you.

(it's just too bad it's not the bullet 
that's been trying to kill you.)

whenever i think about happiness
it's that day.

the day with the windows rolled down
and the thunderstorm guy in the passenger seat
and the firecracker girl in the back seat
and the way you smiled at me.

stop worrying.
i'll be around to torment you 
for at least sixty more years.

i'm so bad at math. did you know that?
because you laughed and it was saying:

forever, stupid.
that's forever.
or as much of forever as i can give.

we watched the thunderstorm come in over the pine
rolling like endless ocean waves.

i'll take as much of forever as you can give me.

and the rain on my cracked skin.
it felt so, so good.




January 11, 2018

may death be that kind

the clock strikes eleven
and i wonder how much suffering
the last hour of christmas can hold.

i'm trying to remember what i said...
what my last words were.

see you soon.

that's what i said.
i meant it.
but no matter what you mean, things can always change.
someone was born today.
there is no rule that says someone can't
today either.

oh Lord!
let it be easy!
today/tomorrow/doesn't matter when, let it be as easy as
but breathing has been hard.

let it be as easy as summer.

all those days we spent in the green fields, watching the horses,
laughing at the grasshoppers and the way they flew in lazy circles.

may death be that kind.

he's always prayed simple, with the hands and the face of a farmer
a man that works hard. and this faith
is the kind You accept
oh Lord, let it be so.

let heaven be flung open to him.
full of fields and yellow dogs and birds with yellow feathers that always
perch right by the window he liked the best.

let it be easy as summer.

and Lord?
if dying be hard
let it be quick.
he has worked so long and so well and now all the fields are golden brown.
they are stretching on forever. like a sea of gold.

like a harvest
ready to be brought in.

see you soon.
thank you.
i love you.

no words come.
the machines in this hospital are too loud anyways.
but your eyes flicker over me with one
sweet recognition.
and i know you see me
though i am cowering in the shadows of the hallway.
i know you already know.

where we're going
words are useless
but my heart is saying them anyways.

i love you.
i love you.
i -


my grandpa died on january second. i have loved him since may twelfth eighteen times over.
and now forever.


hey babes! so here's the plan:


poetry, words, thoughts, maybe some songs in video form (heck) all of the above.
in other news: i'm working on a novel.
i'm working on finishing/editing/finding a publisher.
oh my gosh.

thanks for the love, and the safe place to spill a tired heart.

all the love,