emotional motionsickness




God, i wish that was me.
the tree standing next to you, roots
wrapped around your ankle to remind you
that you're not alone in a room full of people.
and maybe my leaves could read your thoughts
and maybe you'd let me touch your elbow when i'm
afraid.
i keep having these dreams about people i don't know.
like i'm stuck inside their skulls looking out.
and sometimes it's good, because i see his mom and feel this
peace settle like pulp in the bottom of my cup.
but sometimes i feel loneliness. not just mine
i feel yours too.

inside my brittle locust heart i feel a flame
a kerosene light that reminds me how hard
it is to kill something that isn't ready to die.
i want to hold your hand so badly
i want to touch your aching shoulders and i want
to look at you as long as i like without blinking away tears.
but all you hear is the wind against my body.
that rustle, my voice.
that creak, my bones.

the light turns red just long enough for us to
laugh about the arrogance of boys with eyes like the ocean.
and i feel like i'm stuck inside your skull looking up.
you are so lucky lucky lu-
luck has nothing to do with who is happy
and who is learning to be happy without a reason.
because scorpio didn't give you this soul
and taurus didn't tell me how many times i'd want to be selfish with you
and fail.

God, i wish that was me.
the ocean at your feet, washing the rough sand from your
callouses, easing your mind with my everchanging continuity.
i wish i was me
from a few months ago
asleep in a fever dream made of saltwater without flavor
walking the bones of a desert long baked
feeling like a small pebble at the feet of the universe.
i saw the Milky Way.
she was drying her hair across the cosmos because
she'd never cut it for a boy that broke her heart.
and i heard her whisper between gritted teeth-

why
why did You make them with only 
two eyes?

God, i'm glad that's not me
standing at the corner of the road without a reason to turn right.
but i almost wish i could tear up my roots to go with you
i wish that when you smiled at me
it wasn't so easy to see my reflection in your eyes.
you've got such beautiful eyes.
but i am the man at the gate
they named after your laughter.
my legs don't work and i'm begging you to please
not look back. because in my dreams i'm in my own skull 
looking at you.
i'm glad i'm not a cherubim.
with a thousand eyes, it'd be impossible not to
stare.

God.
in the upper room You break the bread and feel Your spine ache in
empathetic foreshadowing.
how do i give mine
to a Hunger that is never satisfied?
i'm glad i'm not a cherubim
with a thousand eyes, You'd see the tears for sure.
but tonight i take the tour bus to golgotha
where they're taking polaroids of the crucifix
and offer to hand You a bullet on a stick.
Your eyes find me across the crowd
and i feel like i'm walking on stained glass to get to You.
i touch Your feet, the ones that they've nailed with
metal from the offering bag.
i'm not afraid of God, he smiles, because He is too
busy running this hell to see me.
i'm glad he's not a cherubim.
because if his thousands of eyes locked onto Yours i think
he'd die
half in love and half out.

sometimes i'm in the skull of the betrayer looking out.
he has terrible nightmares.
but tonight i ease into the slow, steady stream of consciousness
where i think i can read Your thoughts.
like a tattoo across my knuckles so when i clench my fists
i see my real name before i fight somebody.
beloved
sounds like a doe-eyed girl that he'd skip class for. but it's my name.
it's mine and someday when they call it across the cafeteria in eternity
everybody will look at me and think
God, it's her.
finally.

finally.


x


















Comments

  1. i don't know what to say but it's kind of like "what the heck" in a good tone and everything behind those words means things like wow this was good and i need to think about it and how on earth do you write like this and so on but i never tell you that so we just leave it at what the heck

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    Replies
    1. also you better reply to comments this time or i'll never comment on ur blog again

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    2. i got scared so here i am. also thank you for always supporting me. which sounds like you paid for me to go to college and stuff but it's all i could THInk OffF <3

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    3. also what if i never post. that'll keep you from commenting. checkMATE

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  2. fairly certain I have never read more powerful words

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  3. you + cally are the absolutely cutest. these photos are beautiful.
    this poem is so good... i cannot even.

    sophy of sophyslighthouse.blogspot.com

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    Replies
    1. HEY THANK YOU. and yeah cally is absolutely adorbs i'm telling her that right now. x

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  4. I have a million and one thoughts and things to tell you, but they're all jammed up in my weary mind and I can't quite get them to my fingertips. I love ya. I am sorry for your pain, but I rejoice in your triumph. The light of God shines in you (maybe the cherubim are blinded too).

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    Replies
    1. PHANKS YO. infinite hearts shooting your way, meme style.

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  5. this completely captured me....wow. thank you for creating and sharing something so beautiful xxx

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    Replies
    1. oh my heckin pleasure friend. x thank for reading!

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  6. Wow, this is absolutely beautiful.

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be kind.

xx

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