in everything

i hear you in everything.

we act like death is something that happens in us, to us, around us, but we are unwilling to admit that

death is always beside us.

like an old friend standing at your elbow, kind and quiet,

present with you when you walk in the door.

i think of him because i'm afraid he is dying.

i'm afraid that he doesn't see it, the kindness and the quiet standing by his bedside

and i'm afraid that when he finally does see it,

i'll have been too late.

but how can you ever be late to something like that?

he will arrive to meet death right on time.

they will shake hands, and he'll give it that cheeky grin that he used to give me when i caught him spraying an entire can of whipped cream in his mouth.

but if i have my way

it'll be me that he's thinking of.

the way i spoke about the cross, and about love, and the way i would've shaken the hand myself

just to give him more time to think about it. 

if i have my way

death will ask him about the little girl with the braids, the one he carries around with him wherever he goes.

may my breath be the blood in the bullet hole.

the fire in the explosion.

the trigger finger that shakes.

may i only be that which paints a bloody picture of Christ for you,

whether it is on the walls of your prison cell

or the lining of your heart.

you will meet death.

and when you meet him, think of me.

think of how much i loved you.

maybe it will be with regret, or blessed thankfulness, but either way

let it be because of how many times i refused to let go of you.

let it be because of His love. 

i sit against the couch and listen to him talking about the flash,

the wave of pressure that broke the window and all the glass in his face.

and i think about you.

i think about that day when the rock slipped off the edge of the rock face, and everybody yelled at you to get out of the way

get out

get out

i stood up.

and when you looked up at me, breathing hard with the chill that came sailing out of death's laugh,

you smiled. i was the only one standing up.

if i am the only one standing up now, see me.

i'm begging you.

from across the miles, from across the stars, i am standing up and i am screaming your name.

i hear you in everything.

x

hoping to get a video up for next week's post! we'll see. mwaha. much loves.

also, if you're an og, this is the second part to an untitled post i wrote decades ago. june 11th, 2015, if you were curious. time has changed a lot. but not everything.