January 12, 2016

who am i?


who am i? 
no one asked the question. no one really wanted to know. it was just me, looking into my own heart, trying to find an answer that was already there. who am i? i must be someone. but i look, and i look, and that beautiful someone appears to fall very short of the person i had envisioned. i am cruel. i am selfish. BE YOURSELF. YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL.

but myself is so terribly sad. terribly ugly. terribly small. 
i'm not talking about my face. i could care less about my face. it is only freckles and smiles. you see, the older you become (perhaps in spirit, not in years), the more you realize that. it isn't about the face. i'm talking about an ugly soul. a soul that wants nothing more than to be pleased with itself.


who am i?
i am not beautiful. i am crippled.

to the alter. who said that? to the alter. i know it is the Lord. i know His voice. i feel Him. i walk through the forest, evergreen and cold, looking for Him. there is the alter. in my heart. it is still dripping blood from the last time i was here.

my sister is singing in the hall. someday you will die. i want to die now though. i want to kill this soul, made of ugliness and smiles, and i want to change my doctrine. because i was a firm believer in what was beautiful. and i was staunch on the belief that i could become like that, just by willing it to happen. turn your mind around! focus on what is good! mind won't focus. heart won't yield. 


step into the light, you who walks in darkness.
i stumble. it's not pretty at all...more of a gut-wrenching collapse onto a linoleum floor made of memories. so i did not step, but the light was there to receive me, and there He is. i see Him. and He is everything beautiful in spirit...everything i could never be. but still they crucified Him. they could not see it. they were looking at His face. and His face was nothing special. Christ did not follow the be yourself rip. He was not himself. He was God. the world steams, barely noticing their false truths melting into grief behind them. you are extreme. you are living in a dream. you have no compassion 

maybe not.
not for your deceit, not for that grime that clings to the soul like old dirt. not for the lies that have become so ingrained in our minds that we cannot for the life of us rip them out. so then. you'll have to die to be free. yes. i do see that now. i think i'll have to keep dying. over and over and over. though you have not seen Him, you love him; and even though you do not see Him now, you believe in Him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, for you are receiving the goal of your faith, the salvation of your souls (1 peter 1:9). 

okay. i go into the heart, but the question is not the same. 

who is He? because that is all that really matters, after all. 

xx

these posts are not the most popular. but they are the most important. ♥ 


26 comments:

  1. you totally just did pictures + words + pictures and that was the format of my new post. i love you a lot.

    and i have no words for this post. i know it is much needed and good for me. for the world. the dying world and the living Truth. step into the light.

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    1. NUH UH NO WAY I DID NOT DO THAT ARE YOU KIDDINg. ♥ hehe

      thanks bro.

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  2. identity crisis no.1248392 but I know what you mean. even I have so many question that escape the grasp of my mind. I'm going to think about this a bit <3

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  3. Gorgeous <3 it is extremely true, too. Looking to God, I think, will help you find most anything.

    - Ellie
    http://ontheothersideofrealitynew.blogspot.com

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  4. *picks jaw up off floor*

    Not the most popular, but the most meaningful after all. I needed this. So, so, so very much. In a way that words can't quite express. To the altar, then. So that I may learn to ask the right question. The question whose answer is neverendingly glorious and into whose arms I will run.

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  5. i love this. and honestly, these kinds of posts should be more popular. i wonder who i am all the time and my thoughts stumble and whirl around my mind until i give up and settle to describe me as a //mess//

    if you excuse me, i'm going to step into the light. ❤

    xo
    emily

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    Replies
    1. woah. WOAH. this comment blew me away. hallelujah, love. ♥

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  6. This is amazing. Of course it won't be the most popular, but it is always so needed. Beautiful writing and message <3

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    Replies
    1. yikes! thank you so much. that makes me brave. ♥

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  7. there are so many things i want to say, but it feels like my head is a puddle and my lips can't form the words.

    every aspect of this post is meaningful.
    thank you.

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  8. Beautiful. Honestly, I think this is my favorite post I've read from you.
    Despite the dark pull of the world to turn inward for strength, it is by this lack of light that we are deceived. There is only one True Light of the world, and only in Him do we find life.
    Love in Christ - Emily Grace

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    1. I LITERALLY HAVE TEARS thank you. thank you. agh.
      God is so so good. <3

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  9. did you just

    how did you

    wait

    um

    hi

    i can't even form coherent sentences but like

    i rlly rlly like this

    k <3 xx

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  10. Ah yes. I hate it when the world screams, "be yourself," and, "follow your heart." Those words will lead a person down the road to destruction. The only way to true happiness is by looking to Christ, not yourself. Great post.

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  11. you use hashtags a lot. #hipster #onlyhipstersusehashtags #gurrrl

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  12. yeah, these might not be the most popular, but i love these posts so much.
    thank you so much <3 dying daily to myself is something i've been thinking about lately. so much truth.

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    Replies
    1. yikes dude. i really love you.
      thank you. <3

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  13. Wow. Your words are so vivid, so real, so true. You honesty... basically I just want to experience those words, to come so close to Him that I - me, and what I want - are just lost and consumed in Him. Thanks so much for sharing, and I don't even care if this post wasn't popular, because it was incredible. xx

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    Replies
    1. i kinda feel like crying. thank you for these words...i needed them lots. xx

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be kind.

xx