disaster pt. 1 + pt. 2

october 22nd, 2015

why is this happening to me?

i grip the seat, trying to focus on lights passing, trying to focus on something.
why is everything so wrong and dying?

what is left that can be broken?

some things are too strong to be felt, so you don't feel them. you are ripped apart by them, torn limb to limb until you are unmade. and once you are formless, you can begin to see. oh, please no. if You are listening to me now, bitter and depraved, why? 

it is my fault. it is my pain. i am alone.

i push the car door open and walk out into the rain, but i barely notice. i no longer care.

x

october 24th, 2015

i cough and i look up at the holiday decorations, laughing and pulling the dust into my heavy lungs.

two sleepless nights wear on my fingers. the flesh has formed around them, around stars and moonlight and things that do not wear out with time. we move things in the shed, lift into place what hadn't been. they tell me to climb the ladder, so i go and i grin without cracking.

only God can change a heart.

they tell you to be patient and to have courage, but i can't. i am afraid. i am so afraid, of you, of things, of what i did and what i didn't. constellations form in my thoughts, replacing the shadows.

things will change. i will change. i will let go what i thought should stay.

because i thought so many things, but still i am not alone.

i rest my feet against the concrete floor, arms folded in the sleeves of my sweater. i care so much.

only God can make something bloom out of mistakes.



p.s. been a long ten days! ♥ i've learned a lot and i've missed a lot.