October 25, 2015

disaster pt. 1 + pt. 2


october 22nd, 2015

why is this happening to me?

i grip the seat, trying to focus on lights passing, trying to focus on something.
why is everything so wrong and dying?

what is left that can be broken?

some things are too strong to be felt, so you don't feel them. you are ripped apart by them, torn limb to limb until you are unmade. and once you are formless, you can begin to see. oh, please no. if You are listening to me now, bitter and depraved, why? 

it is my fault. it is my pain. i am alone.

i push the car door open and walk out into the rain, but i barely notice. i no longer care.


x


october 24th, 2015

i cough and i look up at the holiday decorations, laughing and pulling the dust into my heavy lungs.

two sleepless nights wear on my fingers. the flesh has formed around them, around stars and moonlight and things that do not wear out with time. we move things in the shed, lift into place what hadn't been. they tell me to climb the ladder, so i go and i grin without cracking.

only God can change a heart.

they tell you to be patient and to have courage, but i can't. i am afraid. i am so afraid, of you, of things, of what i did and what i didn't. constellations form in my thoughts, replacing the shadows.

things will change. i will change. i will let go what i thought should stay.

because i thought so many things, but still i am not alone.

i rest my feet against the concrete floor, arms folded in the sleeves of my sweater. i care so much.

only God can make something bloom out of mistakes.



p.s. been a long ten days! ♥ i've learned a lot and i've missed a lot.



23 comments:

  1. I was literally just stalking all your old posts.
    they just keep getting better, addy girl. <3

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    1. my darling jordy. you have no idea how much i stalk your blog. ♥

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  2. Absolutely stunning, as always.

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  3. Lovely writing. Breath taking. Perfect. ♥♥♥♥

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  4. time and the lord changes people so. Addy I missed your ever remarkable writing!
    ❤❤❤❤❤❤❤

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    1. you are so true, darling. AND AHHHH I MISSED YOU TOO. ♥ it was too long without my blogger.

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  5. *squints* It's really pretty, but I just don't know what it means..... XDD

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    1. XD i know. i didn't know what half of it meant either. ♥

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  6. Problem one I see: This was when you were at my house.

    Problem two: Nothing, I just wanted to say problem one. XD

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    1. problem one i see: nothing because i need my glasses. XD ♥

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  7. literally reading every single blessed word in this beautiful post because they do not deserve to be unread. seriously. with all the serious my small little heart can muster. I FREAKIN LOVE THIS POST cries <3<3

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    1. HOW DO YOU LIKE...DESTROY MY SOUL WITH EVERY COMMENT???? STOP??? gosh i love you. ♥♥♥♥

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  8. "i push the car door open and walk out into the rain, but i barely notice. i no longer care."

    that sentence alone so accurately describes the feelings of a lot of this year. i've said it before and i'll say it again. most of the genius of your writing, and the thing that keeps me excited to return here again and again, isn't the actual words. it's not a novel, it usually isn't actual poetry. it's not exactly what's being explained. because almost nothing is. i'ts that each reader can identify with it so much, so very much, and it has that ability to tough every single heart.

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    1. oh, abigail.
      how do you sum up so well what i barely can untangle from my sticky fingers? it's hard. it's so hard. writing this was hard and i think reading this was hard. God is still good. amen. ♥ i am so thankful for you.

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  9. So much beauty in pain, so many piercing words, so breathtaking.

    -T. x

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  10. "Only God can make something bloom out of mistakes".

    Ugh, so beautiful I can't stand it. This post has really touched my heart in a lot of ways. Thanks for writing <3

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    1. thanks for reading! it's hard to feel that much pain. ♥♥♥

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  11. Breathtakingly beautiful. I am speechless.

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  12. God truly can make beauty from ashes. I'm learning about His timing and that only He can change a heart, too. Take heart. You are never alone, and you are always loved.

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be kind.

xx