grace



at first, i run. it's uphill, into the forest, and i'm not quick. so i slow. down. down. down. until i am barely walking at all.
there is wind in every tree, every lovely branch that is losing the will to keep growing. and dying for air in my tired lungs, i fall beneath one.

what is left after grace?

i check my chest, trying to make sure my heart is still there. the beat is faint. the pulse is slow. like me, i laugh. but in the laugh
is my worry.

sometimes, nothing.

within me, gases tighten, universe collapsed into something cold and hard and small. i smile but i am sure that if you are really looking you must be able to see the damage.
so i smile harder. turn faster. lean against the car to hide my face.

and then the explosion.

maybe that is grace. the chance to die, to erupt, to scatter until we are nothing but traces of starlight. the chance to become this lovely void that one day will be filled with tendrils of mercy and seeds of faithfulness.

God, i'm losing myself.
and i think that's okay now.
♥


Comments

  1. EleanorSeptember 27, 2015 at 9:14 PM

    This is absolutely gorgeous. <3

    ReplyDelete
  2. elisabethSeptember 28, 2015 at 5:12 AM

    i read this, and reread it, again and again.

    this is nothing short of perfection, and my soul is crying because i know. it is when we lose ourselves, that we find Him.

    <3

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. GraceOctober 3, 2015 at 7:45 AM

      you always know how to break me into a million little pieces. ♥ xx

      Delete
  3. Hannah CatronSeptember 28, 2015 at 5:59 AM

    I don't think I will ever stop loving your words, Addy. Gah!

    ReplyDelete
  4. AnonymousSeptember 28, 2015 at 8:24 AM

    Yes and amen. *sigh* It's such a hard process to do, losing oneself. My mom's always called it "Dying to self" and it's so true. And so hard. But so worth it.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. GraceOctober 3, 2015 at 7:46 AM

      amen! dying to self, that's the perfect term. so painful and worth it in the end. ♥ xx

      Delete
  5. Hannah JoySeptember 28, 2015 at 9:42 AM

    YES YES YES YES YES

    I have been thinking about this a lot. Just like... grace. Grace is not expected. Occasionally, it shows itself in hard work, dirty hands, muddy knees, gardens in the making. Occasionally it shows itself as the still, small voice that alighted on the wind. Occasionally, it shows itself in memory. And occasionally, it's the explosion that forced you to your knees because...how???? How could a God of life die....for us??? How can we fathom the endlessness of such grace? The unexpectedness of such mercy? It is too much. God is good... more so than we could ever have imagined. Who knew that death could be life?

    Just... amen, sister. Amen.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. GraceOctober 3, 2015 at 7:46 AM

      UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. it's so true that it kills me. ♥ grace isn't what i thought it'd be. xx

      Delete
  6. Aimee MeesterSeptember 28, 2015 at 12:30 PM

    Ughhhh your words are so beautiful I can't even.

    ReplyDelete
  7. WaverlySeptember 28, 2015 at 1:57 PM

    Absolutely stunning. I especially love the last two lines - they're so incredibly powerful.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. GraceOctober 3, 2015 at 7:47 AM

      thank you, waverly! that makes me so terribly happy. ♥

      Delete
  8. LaurenSeptember 28, 2015 at 2:07 PM

    oh my goodness.
    love how the entire story builds up to the end: "God, i'm loosing myself. And I think that's okay now."

    please, this is perfection at it's finest <3

    ReplyDelete
  9. jordan skySeptember 28, 2015 at 3:59 PM

    Oh gosh.
    This.

    ReplyDelete
  10. NoorSeptember 28, 2015 at 6:20 PM

    STOP MAKING ME CRY WITH YOUR PERFECTION xx

    ~Noor

    ReplyDelete
  11. Grace AnneSeptember 29, 2015 at 11:53 AM

    This is beautiful:)

    ReplyDelete
  12. Erin MarieSeptember 30, 2015 at 6:31 AM

    This is so timely for me, because honestly, I feel like I've lost myself too. Like I can barely look up to heaven and even pray anything at all. But there is grace in those moments. I was reading in Jonah today, chapter 2, actually, and how God is never far from us, even when we're underwater. Thank you for posting this.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. GraceOctober 3, 2015 at 7:51 AM

      amen. amen. and how unraveling to know that He is filled with second chances, drenched in the holy blood of His Son. it is almost too much for me. ♥

      Delete
  13. AylaSeptember 30, 2015 at 4:41 PM

    How do I deal with such beauty.

    ReplyDelete
  14. UnknownOctober 2, 2015 at 9:37 PM

    'God, I am losing myself but I think that's okay now...'

    That line is powerful. One of my favorite things you've written. Well done.

    I feel like we'd be such great poetry buddies. Sending each other our works every time we wrote something new haha Keep up the good work, girlie.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. GraceOctober 3, 2015 at 7:52 AM

      gahhhh thank you!!
      and yas! that is such a brilliant idea. ♥

      Delete
  15. CindyOctober 11, 2015 at 1:10 PM

    So beautiful. Keep writing. <3

    ReplyDelete

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be kind.

xx

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