September 27, 2015

grace



at first, i run. it's uphill, into the forest, and i'm not quick. so i slow. down. down. down. until i am barely walking at all.
there is wind in every tree, every lovely branch that is losing the will to keep growing. and dying for air in my tired lungs, i fall beneath one.

what is left after grace?

i check my chest, trying to make sure my heart is still there. the beat is faint. the pulse is slow. like me, i laugh. but in the laugh
is my worry.

sometimes, nothing.

within me, gases tighten, universe collapsed into something cold and hard and small. i smile but i am sure that if you are really looking you must be able to see the damage.
so i smile harder. turn faster. lean against the car to hide my face.

and then the explosion.

maybe that is grace. the chance to die, to erupt, to scatter until we are nothing but traces of starlight. the chance to become this lovely void that one day will be filled with tendrils of mercy and seeds of faithfulness.

God, i'm losing myself.
and i think that's okay now.


29 comments:

  1. This is absolutely gorgeous. <3

    ReplyDelete
  2. i read this, and reread it, again and again.

    this is nothing short of perfection, and my soul is crying because i know. it is when we lose ourselves, that we find Him.

    <3

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. you always know how to break me into a million little pieces. ♥ xx

      Delete
  3. I don't think I will ever stop loving your words, Addy. Gah!

    ReplyDelete
  4. Yes and amen. *sigh* It's such a hard process to do, losing oneself. My mom's always called it "Dying to self" and it's so true. And so hard. But so worth it.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. amen! dying to self, that's the perfect term. so painful and worth it in the end. ♥ xx

      Delete
  5. YES YES YES YES YES

    I have been thinking about this a lot. Just like... grace. Grace is not expected. Occasionally, it shows itself in hard work, dirty hands, muddy knees, gardens in the making. Occasionally it shows itself as the still, small voice that alighted on the wind. Occasionally, it shows itself in memory. And occasionally, it's the explosion that forced you to your knees because...how???? How could a God of life die....for us??? How can we fathom the endlessness of such grace? The unexpectedness of such mercy? It is too much. God is good... more so than we could ever have imagined. Who knew that death could be life?

    Just... amen, sister. Amen.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. it's so true that it kills me. ♥ grace isn't what i thought it'd be. xx

      Delete
  6. Ughhhh your words are so beautiful I can't even.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Absolutely stunning. I especially love the last two lines - they're so incredibly powerful.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. thank you, waverly! that makes me so terribly happy. ♥

      Delete
  8. oh my goodness.
    love how the entire story builds up to the end: "God, i'm loosing myself. And I think that's okay now."

    please, this is perfection at it's finest <3

    ReplyDelete
  9. STOP MAKING ME CRY WITH YOUR PERFECTION xx

    ~Noor

    ReplyDelete
  10. This is so timely for me, because honestly, I feel like I've lost myself too. Like I can barely look up to heaven and even pray anything at all. But there is grace in those moments. I was reading in Jonah today, chapter 2, actually, and how God is never far from us, even when we're underwater. Thank you for posting this.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. amen. amen. and how unraveling to know that He is filled with second chances, drenched in the holy blood of His Son. it is almost too much for me. ♥

      Delete
  11. 'God, I am losing myself but I think that's okay now...'

    That line is powerful. One of my favorite things you've written. Well done.

    I feel like we'd be such great poetry buddies. Sending each other our works every time we wrote something new haha Keep up the good work, girlie.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. gahhhh thank you!!
      and yas! that is such a brilliant idea. ♥

      Delete

be kind.

xx