May 21, 2015

not mine


I close my eyes and brace. 

Brace against the firmness of the thought that I shall survive today. I shall rush blindly into this shattering madness and somehow I believe I will not become mad.

Blackness drips on me. Day after day. The madness slowly grows to be too much.

It wears heavy on my bones and down in the tips of my fingers, those tips that should be gentle and mighty against the world.

And in the midst of it all I realize I'm angry.

Angry at Him.

Angry at the madness.

Dost thou love me more than these?

No! This is no longer about loving you. This is no longer about love at all! This is about working hard and gaining and grasping and learning to survive.

Dost thou love me more than these?

No! I can't!

I cannot afford your love. I cannot afford you, oh, oh, oh Abba.

Love is without cost to the poor.

I have become poor. Poor in heart, poor in spirit.

But an old friend, a good friend, told me once that it's okay to be poor in spirit. She told me that with all of the hope of her future and her past shining in her breathless words. She told me that and she believed it.

It's okay to be poor in spirit.

Dost thou love me more than these?

Oh, Father. You know that I do. Because I am the poorest. And You know that.

Then let Me give you everything. All of Me. All of the Love that you so desperately want. And it shall no longer be about surviving or working or grasping, but it shall be about Me. And that shall be enough.

Dost thou love me more than these?

(John 21:15)
He said to Him, "Yes Lord; You know that I love you."

You know that I love you.

Then let that be enough.

I am no longer angry.

I am just tired.

And somehow, in the midst of it all, I am loved.

And it is enough.



xoxo




11 comments:

  1. no, no, no. why am i crying.

    because i needed this post more than life.

    i am so, so tired.

    and i am loved.

    *dies*

    p.s. you can imagine me trying not to cry and succeeding. but only because you aren't here to grasp my hand or to give me a hug because that just makes the love more painful. oh man. but i'd rather cry a river with you than not cry alone. ;-) <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. CRIESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS. AGH.

      I love you so so much and I know you are so so tired. ♥

      xoxo

      Delete
  2. I love Bibleverses, despite not being a Christian. Honestly, the message of love is overpowering and very comforting. Beautiful post. :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I think so too! I pray for you often, dear Jo. If you ever ever want to talk, you know where to find me! (Down By the Willows mwhahahaha) ♥

      xoxo

      Delete
  3. thank you <3 this was beautiful and reached out to me. thank you once more.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Always, dearest friend. ♥ I LOVE YOUU.

      xoxo

      Delete
  4. <3
    This is just...I can't. *flails madly trying to come up with the words*

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I JUST...LOVE YOU SO MUCH. ♥ Thank you for being in my life.

      xoxo

      Delete
  5. Please... You're making me cry. :')

    xoxo Morning

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I CRIED TOO. And it was good. Sometimes you gotta heal, girl. ♥ Love you always.

      xoxo

      Delete
  6. its incredible how close these words are to ones i have thought. beautiful words, dear. <3

    ReplyDelete

be kind.

xx