January 11, 2018

may death be that kind


the clock strikes eleven
and i wonder how much suffering
the last hour of christmas can hold.

i'm trying to remember what i said...
what my last words were.

see you soon.

that's what i said.
i meant it.
but no matter what you mean, things can always change.
someone was born today.
there is no rule that says someone can't
die
today either.

oh Lord!
let it be easy!
today/tomorrow/doesn't matter when, let it be as easy as
breathing.
but breathing has been hard.

let it be as easy as summer.

all those days we spent in the green fields, watching the horses,
laughing at the grasshoppers and the way they flew in lazy circles.

may death be that kind.

he's always prayed simple, with the hands and the face of a farmer
a man that works hard. and this faith
is the kind You accept
right?
oh Lord, let it be so.

let heaven be flung open to him.
full of fields and yellow dogs and birds with yellow feathers that always
perch right by the window he liked the best.

let it be easy as summer.

and Lord?
if dying be hard
let it be quick.
he has worked so long and so well and now all the fields are golden brown.
they are stretching on forever. like a sea of gold.

like a harvest
ready to be brought in.

see you soon.
thank you.
i love you.

no words come.
the machines in this hospital are too loud anyways.
but your eyes flicker over me with one
last
sweet recognition.
and i know you see me
though i am cowering in the shadows of the hallway.
i know you already know.

where we're going
words are useless
but my heart is saying them anyways.

i love you.
i love you.
i -
____________________


xx



my grandpa died on january second. i have loved him since may twelfth eighteen times over.
and now forever.



-------------------------------------------------

hey babes! so here's the plan:

I'M GOING TO START POSTING ONCE A WEEK.

poetry, words, thoughts, maybe some songs in video form (heck) all of the above.
in other news: i'm working on a novel.
i'm working on finishing/editing/finding a publisher.
oh my gosh.

thanks for the love, and the safe place to spill a tired heart.

all the love,
a




17 comments:

  1. addy. my heart. praying for you, girl <3
    this is a beautiful piece to remember your grandpa by.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I AM SO EXCITED. *runs around screaming* little do u know that I am ALSO planning on actually posting. lolz. but not once a week. good luck, babe. i cannot wait to see all of the POSTS. more u = happy me. (also i can't believe you will actually POST VIDEOS OF YOUR SONGS. ajw wheaiehaiwejiaejaewo MY HEARRRTTT. YOU ARE DOING ME A GREAT MANY OF SURPRISESSSS.)

    also i loved this but some words i don't have to say because you know my heart. i'll be here, always. so many loves. xxxxx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. WOOOOO MORE OF YOUUUUU ALLLL THE TIMEEE.

      also yeah no words. love you, the same kinda heart as mine. x

      Delete
  3. He sounded like the kind with deep thoughts.
    And YAYYYY I like...crave you're posts they are so beautiful. <33333333

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. i think he was. he had a deep heart, anyways.
      HEY THANKS CHUM. <3 x a million.

      Delete
  4. Sometimes your poetry seems to take me away from my chair in front of my desk, all the way South to you, where it seems as though I watch you through the window and either groan or laugh or weep with you for just the briefest of moments.

    So. *creepily waves from your window* ;-) I love you, dear friend, and I know God is planting words in your heart that will grow and grow and grow into many things that you do not expect. <3 <3 Looking forward to hearing the beginnings of them.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. YOU CAN HAUNT ME ANYTIME.
      ugh i love you. can i just come there right now. except not right now. too snowy. we almost got stuck at the starbucks right off the exit. DID PAPA EVER MENTION SEEING ME LIKE LAST MONTH? DECEMBER? because i was outside the starbucks for a potty break (i peed inside don't worry) and i could've sworn that i saw his truck go by. just curious. xx

      Delete
  5. my heart is with you. I'll pray for you to be finding peace during this moment and all moments <3

    ReplyDelete
  6. oh darling. I know this pain. I lost my grandpa almost a year ago... my heart is with you. sounds like he was a special man.
    so excited for all the new things coming to this corner of the internet! :D yikesss good luck with that novel O.O I will buy it as soon as it hits the shelves

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. AHHHHHH I LOVE YOU SO MUCH. just so much relief and love pouring from my heart. thank you for everything dearie. x

      Delete
  7. been thinking about this since last week when u posted it
    love love love u

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. been thinking about ur wonderfulness all the time so yeah
      love ya kid x

      Delete
  8. addy, my heart breaks for you. sending all the prayers and hugs. <3

    so, so excited for you and all of your upcoming projects. your words are gold and i cannot wait for more of them.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. thanks peach. <3 i'll take all of them!

      and yessss. i'm excited too. thank you for all the love. x

      Delete
  9. Oh my goodness Addy, your poetry and pictures are always so beautiful and calming. You have a real talent <3

    ReplyDelete

be kind.

xx